Things (1989)

Any regular reader of Toxic Graveyard will know how much we love DIY horror here. There’s something empowering and inspiring about seeing a group of people get together and make a film even if they don’t have the money or technical knowhow to do it. From Redneck Zombies, to The Basement, to Killing Spree, there’s a special place here for micro budget films. I’ve known about Things for quite some time now but was never able to track down a copy of it, but now thanks to Intervision, I’ve finally seen it and had a hoot!

Things is about a guy who wants to have a baby with his wife so much that he allows a local doctor to experiment on her in order to produce a child and wouldn’t you know it but she’s now filled with creatures from another dimension and burst out ala alien and attack the man and his buddies. They must now fight the creatures and escape the house before they’re eaten alive!

Ok. Here’s the thing. Things was shot on super 8mm film and dubbed later and its flipping hilarious. The dialogue is atrocious and the acting is worse. The lighting changes after each shot and the music sounds like it was created by a Casio. The creatures are actually pretty cool looking but they rarely move, turning them into set decoration. My friend and I couldn’t stop laughing throughout the whole film. Things has usurped Troll 2 as the best worst movie out there and I couldn’t be happier. The whole film is a giant mess with several scenes making no sense whatsoever. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out the emotions of the characters in many scenes. Do we really need to watch the characters watch tv? Eat sandwiches? Get drunk  on whiskey while there’s monsters supposedly all over the house? Why can’t they leave the house? Why does one dude disappear into the 3rd, 4th, and 5th dimension, only to return with a chainsaw with no explanation?  Why is porn star Amber Lynn reading the news throughout the film, and why is she reading a cue card off to the right of the screen? Why couldn’t they put the cue card right underneath the camera? Why do Canadians put their jacket’s in the freezer? So many unanswered questions. The filmmakers were so inept, it demands re-watching. This may be my new favorite party movie.

Listen, if you want to have a blast with some friends check out Things. It has nudity, gore, moobs, monsters, horrible dialogue, and bad music. It’s the perfect film for the so-bad-it’s-good connoisseur. It really has to be seen to be believed.

Gore: Medium

Nudity: one full frontal and a chubby dude without his shirt on

Overall: 7/10

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